I'm Dying in a hospital without a bulletproof vest

I wanted you all to know that I have contracted a fatal disease and am living in a hospital without my bulletproof vest. I am dying of Imaginary Butthurt and it seems they don't allow Kevlar here. My family can't come see me because I am radioactive from the special bullets the army shot me with. A demon kidnapped my left eye and held it hostage until it escaped and ran back to tell me about it on Skype. So now I am half blind and lame because an orderly used a butter knife to spread jam on the bottom of my foot. The Imaginary Butthurt is not only in both buttcheeks and my middle finger of my left hand, but in my ass as well. And that poor animal never did anything to anyone. Before I die I want everyone to know that it was Yuethedragon who infected me with this imaginary disease. When I die I want it written on my Tombstone that Yuethedragon killed me. Please spell this out using pepperoni because sausage gives me gas.

*for those who don't know: Tombstone is a brand of pizza. Not a rock.